Is this one of those rambling reflective posts?
THIS IS ONE OF THOSE RAMBLING REFLECTIVE POSTS
After recent stressful events I had an hour or two of feeling sorry for myself, ate an entire packet of Haribo Star Mix and felt a little sick and a little better, had some water, had some tea, hugged my daughters, hugged my wife, then I sat down to think some thoughts.
HERE WE GO
This is my sixth month as an indie author, and it’s time to ask myself the big question: is this what I want to do? It’s not failure I’m afraid of. Failure means ‘everything stays the same’, and speaking frankly that’s pretty much exactly what I want. And yet I’m not scared of success, either.
SO WHAT DOES SCARE YOU?
EXCEPT MR JELLY OBVIOUSLY
I don’t take much of this seriously, certainly not myself, which helps me to not stress out too much. Something else which provides great relief from stress is my family. For a time I wished for more free (read: writing) time and looked forward to having little girls rather than babies, but now my babies are gone and while little girls are delightful, I miss the babies! I do have a little more free time now, but still. Every day is so full, I work and I play with my girls and I work some more and I do some chores and I work a little more and I change some nappies and I cook dinner (after washing my hands, of course) or look after the girls while my wife cooks dinner and then I usually have Luna in my lap and watch something while I give her her evening bottle (not too old for that, not just yet), then she falls asleep and I write a little with her in my lap, or play a game sometimes if she’s not quite asleep, then I carry her to bed and check on Miya and then write for a few more hours … I probably had a point once, allow me a moment to gather my thoughts.
IS THIS LONG ENOUGH?
I don’t envy Amanda Hocking at all, that’s the truth. I don’t want to be famous like her. I don’t want her kind of success. I think she handles it remarkably well and I’m always impressed at how positive and friendly she is … maybe some people are more suited to success than others. I don’t think achieving success of any kind would change me, I’m too bloody minded and grounded for that (besides, my family would soon drag me down if I developed any kind of ego), but I don’t know if I’d enjoy it, either. Maybe I would. Maybe I’d MAKE myself enjoy it. Maybe I’d enjoy it because I know my wife and family would be proud of me.
THE LOVE YOU TAKE IS EQUAL TO THE LOVE YOU MAKE
In the end, it comes back to the writing. I love writing, I did it for years without any thought of getting published, I’m only self-publishing now because my wife told me I had to DO something with my books and my family support me to a ridiculous degree. If it was just me I’d still just be humming quietly as I worked out some plot problems or something, never to be read by anyone but myself and possibly my daughters, when they’re old enough.
I don’t take myself seriously, but I do take my books seriously. I work hard on them, maybe too hard. If I do become a success, if I find an audience for my books, I’ll be happy that people are enjoying what I’ve written. If I never become a success, I’ll be happy because I have a great family and I spend my days looking after and playing with two amazing little girls, and writing.
I think that I may have cheered myself up.
Getting back to the central question, the important question, ‘is this what I want to do?’, the answer is a clear, definite ‘YES’. I enjoy being an indie author. I like the control it gives me. I like that I may become a success, I like that it doesn’t matter if I never reach anyone but the splendid few who have already read and enjoyed my books. I love the craft of writing and I love having written, and I enjoy doing the associated publishing things too–formatting, covers, even editing has a certain prickly charm and it’s so satisfying when you finish a run. I mean, goodness, I’m even starting to enjoy promotion now that I’ve figured out what parts of it I can do without feeling sick. I am in a good place with this indie author thing.
SO WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
YOU’RE NOT VERY GOOD AT BEING ANGSTY I MUST SAY DON’T YOU KNOW AUTHORS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ANGSTY?
I’ll work on it.