Eyepatch woman is nice and mysterious.
Oho, Captain Every, eh? I wonder if he might mysteriously disappear sometime during this episode? Never to be seen again, perchance? To become one of the few pirates who ‘got away’? Perhaps? Maybe? Just guessing here but pretty certain?
Hugh Bonneville is a good actor. Wasted here, but a good actor.
Yes, I’m reaching here. Let’s take a deep breath and move on to:
Not So Yay
A flintlock making the ‘gun-cocking’ noise, what?
‘Walking the plank’ didn’t actually happen. I know DW isn’t exactly noted for its historical accuracy but still.
Pirate Amy: not as fun as I expected.
Leeches on a ship? Where from?
Argh the direction in this episode. Argh the writing.
NO THERE WOULD NOT BE OPEN FLAMES IN THE MAGAZINE OH MY GOODNESS NO.
Good gracious this episode’s writing is terrible.
NO LIGHT NO REFLECTIONS YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE CLEVER DOCTOR WHY AREN’T YOU THINKING.
Wait, where did that other pirate go? What happened there? Did I miss something or did the writer just forget about him?
Look. If a becalmed ocean at night is reflective enough to act as a ‘mirror’ then so is ANYTHING even VAGUELY specular under ANY kind of light. Examples: glass shards, metal bands, buttons, HUMAN EYES.
“Let’s all wait until something terrible happens to do anything!”
“I mean let’s not even TRY to move!”
“What I’m saying is that we should all just stand around like muffins while people get turned into green smoke!”
“This is the BEST PLAN EVER!”
This episode was written by a ten year-old who sent in enough crisp packets, I’m sure of it.
Oh sound reasoning there Doctor. SOUND reasoning.
30 minutes into the episode, everyone is dead of stupidity. Oh wait no they’re not, they’re all magically alive. Of stupidity.
All right, here’s the rule of Doctor Who: it doesn’t matter how ridiculous or unbelievable the explanations are, just as long as they’re entertaining. THIS IS NOT ENTERTAINING.
Although snarking about this terrible, terrible episode kind of is. Incidentally I’m not sure when this became a livebjournal but let’s just run with it.
Prediction for episode’s ending: the ‘siren’ is the alien ship, automatically taking on the form of whatever species happen to be nearby. It’s recruiting new crew after the old crew all died for some reason. Not sure how the ‘injured’ thing ties into it, but possibly some kind of AI loophole where it’s allowed to bring ‘outsiders’ aboard if they’re injured. Captain Every becomes a SPACE pirate, thus explaining his historical avoidance of capture.
Okay, Every running to his son, Amy running to Rory, and the Doctor running to the Tardis was proper funny. Great gag.
“He’ll die if you take him out.” Pretty knowledgeable about alien medical technology for a SEVENTEENTH CENTURY PIRATE.
Why … did they take Rory inside the Tardis? Couldn’t they have just resuscitated him where he was?
This. Scene. Is. So. Rubbish.
Ah yes, the ‘half-hearted compression for a few seconds then wait a minute and the person just springs back to life’ method of CPR. Amy was wrong when she said “This isn’t a movie” and Rory was wrong when he said “Because you’d never give up” SO RUBBISH ARGH.
Oh, THERE’S that pirate from before. So I guess he got green-smoked offscreen or something. Mm-hm.
Wait wait wait wait WAIT wait WAIT wait wait just ONE little minute here. That’s it? Captain Every and his crew get a spaceship and just fly around until they all die of dehydration? Even assuming they have water and food, what are they going to do? And THAT’S assuming they can even work the controls, with the Tardis gone everything’s going to go back into alien language SO MANY THINGS WRONG HERE.
That was properly rubbish. But I kind of enjoyed it anyway. Although I probably wouldn’t have had much fun if I hadn’t been snarkily snarking at it all the way through, to be honest. Incidentally, if you’re at all interested in pirates I highly recommend reading about the exploits of Captain Every (AKA Long Ben), he really was one of the best pirates ever. Made a single voyage of around two years, got loads of treasure, was the target of the first ever worldwide manhunt, called his ship the Fancy (honestly, you’ve got to have balls of steel to get away with that), managed to basically brute force his way into a haul of like half a million pounds (in today’s money: seventeen billion-bazillion-jillion dollars), had a thousand pound bounty posted on his head (I’m not sure but I think this was the highest bounty ever posted for a pirate–certainly up there, in any case), then just disappeared with all the treasure he pirated and was never heard from again. Brilliant stuff.
Anyway, about this episode, it could have been SO GOOD. The Doctor and companions trapped on a ship with a bunch of pirates, unknown threat raising tension, claustrophobia, nowhere to run, threats both from within and without–something like Midnight (still one of my absolute favourite Doctor Who eps) but with pirates. Instead … bleh.
Also, look. If you want to raise tension, the stakes have to be believable. You’re not going to kill Rory (again), so don’t muck around pretending you might.
Anyway. Next episode looks gOod.