Brave: Some Thoughts

that’s right I got opinions

SPOILERS AHOY

Here’s what you need to know about Brave; it’s not Pixar. Oh, they made it, and it’s lush and beautiful and gorgeously animated and so on and so forth, but the story, the characters, the things that matter? They’re Disney through and through. Now that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s not a great thing either. And that’s what I expect from Pixar; greatness. Brave doesn’t give you that. What it gives you is, well, Disney. Rebellious Teen defies Authority Figure and enlists the help of Magical Person to Change Destiny but of course Things Go Wrong and blah blah blah, it does nothing new and nothing interesting. There isn’t a single thing in the story that will make you sit up and go “Wait, what?”, nothing that you won’t see coming a mile off, nothing exceptional. If I sound harsh it’s only because I expect more of Pixar. Story Is King, but in this case it felt like they’d missed the mark.

The first act is great. Really good. That bit from the trailer, Merida claiming her own hand? That amazing bit with her turning to match glares with her mother? The lead up to that is excellent, and in fact that’s the best scene in the entire movie. Unfortunately it’s all a bit downhill from there. Things devolve into a low-stakes relatively conflict-free muddle of missed opportunities and (especially surprising for Pixar) storytelling gaffs. But as I said, it’s not Pixar. It’s Disney. Disney Disney Disney. There’s a “heartwarming”/”hilarious” musical montage, for goodness sake.

The tone of the film is odd, too. Take the part where Merida’s mother is turned into a bear. What a horrible, traumatic experience, for such a precise, elegant woman to be suddenly given this enormous, too-powerful body, to be destroying everything she touches, to inspire fear in those who see her … and yet the movie plays it for laughs. There were moments where this did work—for example, the contrast between her bear-form’s bestial nature and her ingrained manners and delicacy, that kind of thing worked very well. But stumbling around crushing everything in her path wasn’t funny. It was sad, it had pathos, it was, in a very real sense, horrific. You can’t just gloss over that sort of thing. It has to be addressed. Making it into a joke felt flimsy and wrong. Uncomfortable, even. In fact, the whole transformation plot felt wrong—what if, I couldn’t help thinking, there had been an attack during the archery competition? What if Merida and her mother were forced into a dangerous situation, forced to rely on each other, forced to grow to respect each other in that way? It could’ve been a powerful adventure, rather than the muddled thing that it is. That was my biggest problem with the movie, I just kept thinking, “Is this really the best story you could be telling?”. In a lot of interviews with Pixar staff they mention how, while developing movies, they often hit a point where they go “Wait, this isn’t the story we should be telling! THIS is the direction in which we should be taking this!”. Brave reeeeally could’ve done with one of those moments.

It was missing a lot of the Pixar attention to detail, too. Little things, like Merida’s bow. It was a present from her father, it symbolises her independence, she carves a design into it, it’s her most precious possession, so when her mother throws it in the fire and it gets burnt, it’s a big dramatic moment … but then when she needs a bow she’s suddenly got another one. Nothing is said about the burning, nothing is made of this. That’s not like Pixar at all. The witch, too, she gets a scene and then she’s gone and that’s it. It’s not clever, that’s the real problem. Which is not to say it’s stupid. It just never feels like it’s doing all it could be doing.

Brave isn’t a bad film. Far from it. But like I said, I expected more. So, all in all, Merida’s hair gets a 10/10. The actual movie? 7/10 at best.

 

Best Anti-Zombie Weapon: Here Comes A New Challenger!

I think I may have a new top pick for ‘best overall weapon in case of zombie apocalypse’. Previously I felt that a nicely sharpened spade would be close to perfect for zombie-killing, but therein lies an intrinsic problem. Perhaps I could best illustrate the dilemma with a little Q&A:

Question: How many zombies could you realistically deanimate with your weapon of choice?
Answer: It doesn’t matter.

If your priority during a zombie apocalypse is ‘killing zombies’ then your death is only a matter of time, because the thing about zombies is that for every one you put down there are dozens—hundreds—thousands!—more behind it. Every zombie you engage is a potentially fatal encounter, especially if it only takes a scratch—or a drop of infected blood in the wrong place—for you to join their ranks. So your priority shouldn’t be killing them, it should be avoiding them—and when that’s impossible, just getting them away from you as efficiently as possible.

Enter the humble claw hammer. First of all most modern hammers have really good grips, because nobody wants a hammer flying off and whacking someone in the nose. The issue of ‘what’s best against zombies?’ becomes irrelevant if you’ve lost your weapon. Second, they’re heavy enough to put a bit of heft behind your swings, but not SO heavy that you’re going to get tired swiftly. Third, you can use them one-handed, which means you can switch arms—pretty vital when you think about it. Fourth, they’re common. Everyone’s got a hammer (or should, they’re jolly useful even when there aren’t any zombies around). Fifth, they’re durable, DESIGNED to whack things with and not break. Sixth, decent weight + relatively small point of impact = excellent stopping power.

This last point is important, because (most) zombies don’t feel pain. You can’t ‘wound’ them to death so you’ve got to focus on either dismembering them (inefficient, risky, tiring, carries risk of infected blood splatter etc) or knocking them away/down and effecting an escape. Now, I do think that a baseball or cricket bat is a decent choice of weapon, or even just a well-proportioned length of wood—as long as you’ve got room to swing. Ever played around with a cricket bat in a hallway? Disaster. And when you’re up against a zombie you can’t afford disasters. I’m not saying a claw hammer is perfect, but in a tight space I’d sacrifice a bit of reach for extra weight and a smaller ‘swing area’.

Another thing that’s great about claw hammers is that they’re hammers. Combine them with a bag of nails and you can secure most portals—screws would arguably be better but this is a gorramn zombie apocalypse, you don’t have the LUXURY of ‘better’. The claw is also useful, mostly for prying open locked doors (not recommended offensively, however, the last thing you want is for your weapon to get stuck).

Actually, a decent-sized wrench would be good, too—except I don’t have one of those. Maybe I should take a trip to the hardware store. In any case, if you don’t have a

 

BJK’s AMV Roundup #1 – My Legend Began In The 12th Century

‘#1′, he wrote, somewhat optimistically. AMVs are one of my favourite things about fandom, there’s an amazing amount of both talent and love out there, and who doesn’t enjoy splendid editing and wonderfully synchronised music/visual beats? People who don’t like marvellous things, I suspect.

Hugely massive spoilers may follow; you have been warned.

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Anime: Soul Eater
Song: Marilyn Manson – This Is Halloween

Soul Eater is a great anime, even though the exact point at which it diverges is the point at which the manga turns things up to eleven and becomes insanely awesome, so … I mean, I love the anime, don’t get me wrong, I think in a lot of ways it couldn’t be better (the voice acting especially, and especially especially Maka–hard to believe it was Omigawa Chiaki’s debut, she does an amazing job). I even liked the gecko ending (how could I not, it includes one of the best punches in the history of all things), but like Fullmetal Alchemist the manga’s story post-divergence is just so much better and makes far more sense. Hopefully they’ll do a ‘Brotherhood’ once it ends. Anyway, I love this AMV. I had no idea Marilyn Manson had even done a cover of This Is Halloween (from The Nightmare Before Christmas, natch), at first I was like “Whaaaaa~” but then I was like “Actually this is kind of great”. I’m not normally a fan of covers or Mr Manson but this is pretty fantastic, and the marriage of Soul Eater with this particular song is something that I’d never think of but which makes perfect sense now that I’ve been exposed to it. A bit like a catflap. Also the editing is utterly majestic.

Also also, watching this reminds me that although I think of Soul Eater mostly in terms of funny and awesome, it really does have more than its fair share of superbly creepy moments.

Favourite Moment: “Everybody scream! Everybody SCREAM!” with Tsubaki and her brother. 200% Sync Ratio: Perfect Combo.

(Also any clips from when Maka went crazy eight bonkers from using Black Blood, that was hilarious and disturbing and awesome and mental in all the right ways.)

(Incidentally, Soul Eater gets my personal awards for both ‘Best Maniacal Laughter’ AND ‘Best Screaming’. Seriously, the screaming and laughing in that anime are top notch.)

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Anime: Full Metal Alchemist – Brotherhood
Song: 30 Seconds To Mars – This Is War

Hagaren is one of my favourite manga, mostly because of the absurdly huge number of fantastic characters, and although the first anime went a bit mad towards the end Brotherhood truly does justice to Arakawa-sensei’s work. And this AMV does justice to Brotherhood. Not much to say, except the bit at the end made my breath catch in just exactly the right way.

Favourite Moment: Roy Mustang is ‘The Messiah’.

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Anime: Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu
Song: Breaking Benjamin – Diary Of Jane

This one’s a teensy bit rough as far as editing/timing goes, but it’s the best AMV I’ve found of Yuki.N so there you have it. Nagato-san is the main reason I like this anime so much (not such a fan of the novels, not sure why), being not only my favourite character in the series but one of my favourite characters in any series.

Favourite Moment: Honestly, any time Yuki does her stoic-but-scowly ‘Nagato Disapproves’ face.

Yep, that's the one.

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Anime: Various. Like, REALLY various.
Song: DJ Earworm – Blame It On The Pop

Something jolly to finish with, I love this kind of wacky joof fun/slightly sentimental AMV and DJ Earworm is aptly named—and the title speaks the truth, 2009 WAS a good, good year for anime.

Although apparently I can’t watch even a one second clip of Tokyo Magnitude 8 without tearing up.

Favourite Moment: Honestly, who could choose? I did particularly like the clips of Endless Eight matched to the lyrics “When I say the same thing every single time”, that was class. Man, Endless Eight. What a hoot that was. Funny at the time, looking back … yep, still funny.

(Also the lip-sync bit with Yui (“Baby don’t worry”) made me super happy for some reason.)

(And 3:00 to 3:16 is just excellent.)

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Well that was really fun! Ahhh fandom, I do so love you.

 

Anime; Deviance; Art

I’m slowly getting back into anime, and oh my goodness how I’ve missed this stuff. I kind of fell out of it last year because a new season came along with nothing much I was interested in, and those shows I WAS interested in turned out to not be that compelling. To begin with I’m easing myself in with Puella Magi Madoka Magica. (Yes, I know.) Comparisons to Neon Genesis Evangelion, Bokurano and Narutaru have me simultaneously expecting greatness and preparing for the very most horrible worst. I’ve chosen Ore no Imouto Ga Konna Ni Kawaii Wake Ga Nai! (My Little Sister Can’t Be This Cute!) as my antidote anime, because I’m almost certain it isn’t going to give me nightmares or break my heart into a thousand tiny pieces. Almost certain.

Also I forgot to mention, I started a DeviantArt account a week or two back and I’ve really been having fun with it. Great little (not little, unbelievably huge) community over there. Anyway, my page is here, but of more interest are Disco Daleks and The Gentlemanly Escort Cube. (And Atticus Finch, Ace Attorney.)

 

Ten Things That Make Me Feel Old

1 – Talking about cartoons with kids and when they look at me blankly realising that the cartoon I just referenced ended before they were even born.

2 – Ditto games, it’s very slightly disturbing to be talking Pokemon with someone and suddenly realising that they were yet to be conceived when Blue/Red were released.

3 – The realisation that many of my favourite movies (Ghostbusters, The Blues Brothers) were made three decades ago. Even Die Hard is like twenty-five years old now, that’s ridiculous.

4 – Realising that the ‘old guy’ in a TV show or movie or game or cartoon is actually younger than me.

5 – Learning that Alan Rickman is sixty-five years old. (I don’t know why that makes ME feel old, but it does.)

6 – Watching the Jurassic Park kitchen scene and realising that those kids have got to be like thirty by now. And those raptors are probably dead.

7 – Watching Longplays of Amiga games makes me feel old, but happy.

8 – The ever-increasing frequency with which I find ‘these days’ sneaking into my sentences.

9 – Using ‘when I was your age’ in any context.

10 – Making a list about things that make me feel old. (How meta!)

 

Distracting Uses Of Valuable Time

Today I was reminded of a super-fun game that I was quite addicted to a few years back. It’s the “Create A CD Cover Game”! Here are the rules:

Band Name
Use the title of a random Wikipedia entry.

Album Title
Use the last few words from a random quote. (Wikiquote is also good for more ‘out there’ titles.)

Art
Get a random piece of non-copyright restricted art.

With these resources combined, create the cover for an imaginary album! Warning, as mentioned above this does get addictive. Here are some I made way back when:

 

Insects!

Recently I was indirectly asked, “What is your favourite bug?”. Now, I’ve seen the episode of QI wherein they discuss the nature of bugs (‘sucking insects’) but let’s ignore that in favour of being slightly less pedantic than usual.

So! What’s my favourite bug/insect/creepy-crawly? With absolutely no competition, the uncontrollably awesome praying mantis, ninja of the insect world. There is NOTHING not to like about them. I used to share a room with one I named Starfax Pimsneyback, she was cool. I once saw her take down a wasp, it was perhaps the single most impressive thing I’ve ever seen. I think partly the reason I like them is that they have vaguely human-like eyes, and they don’t move all scuttly and spastic-like, their movements are careful and precise. I also like the way they prepare to strike, very carefully moving into position a little at a time, move leg, move body, tense, move leg, tense, move leg, strike. Just once, one-hit kill. Once you’re in those claws–those scythes–that’s it, Game Over. Also I had no idea they could fly until quite recently. It’s just that kind of thing that makes them cool–yes, they can fly, but they don’t go around bragging about it. Seems to them it wouldn’t do to get too reliant on something like that. Their wings are quite pretty.

I also like spiders, because they kill flies. I can’t stand flies. In fact, any insect (or arachnid, whatever) of the ‘destroys other creepy-crawlies but leaves humans standing’ variety gets my vote.

Anyway, I’m recovered now, almost completely. Yesterday I did a lot of buggering around (not literally) with covers and that kind of light, fun little thing, but today, today! Today I’m properly working, if my busy daughters will allow me, and always assuming that I don’t get distracted by amazing insects.

 

Optimistic

I’ve been busily mucking around with website stuff lately (PHP is fun, SQL is lovely, Internet Explorer is an ugly broken pile of nonsense) but I just had to do my bit to spread this as far and wide as possible:

Sometimes, people get things right.

 

Just some superhero-related linky-linky-linky-links all of which mysteriously involve Batman in some form or another

Super Heroes As Flags. To be honest, I think I like the concept more than the execution. But that might be because I don’t recognise even half of them.

Seven Insane Alternate Versions Of Superheroes. So difficult to choose between Anti-Soviet Terrorist Batman (imagine the action figure!) and Green Lantern Batman (terrifying). Noir Spiderman also gets a big thumbs up simply for looking totally badass. Biggest ‘no thank you’ goes to the ‘Marvel Mangaverse’. Western comics are great and Japanese comics are great but when they mix the results are rarely pretty … although to be fair the Japanese Batman parody/deconstruction thing was actually pretty interesting. I just wish I could remember what it was called.

Just a sweet Batvestite from Batsylvania? I think my favourite thing about this picture (and there’s just so much to choose from) is that I have never seen Batman look so happy.

To finish, the classic Batman Alignment Chart:

Of course, this chart doesn’t include The Batman’s true alignment: Badass Awesome.

 

Pirates! Thousands of ‘em! Don’t fire until you see the yellow of their eyes, lads!

So, I actually had a look at Amazon’s Sunshine Sale thing yesterday and discovered a load of pirate books! (Well, only one’s an actual PIRATE book but you get what I mean.) Naturally, I had to have them: